If you’re like me and don’t have the attention span to watch a one-minute video, I’ll describe it for you. A man in clown make up walks into a giant house straight out of Nazi-zombie thriller Dead Snow. With great, striding command of his manly legs he ambles down a Kubrikesque hallway…passing display cases with only the manliest artifacts within: faded boxing gloves, etc.
The clown enters a room full of men around a table of ice and the narrator pontificates that not just anyone can have a seat at the table. How there are no interviews to get in. You either are in this inner circle, or you aren’t. Then, they take a shot of Jagermeister together. The camera pans in to reveal that their chilled shot glasses is not the thick blood-dark syrup people actually drink but something akin to cranberry juice in a Jager bottle. Once they’ve knocked back the shot each man stares deeply into each other’s eyes.
And then they proceeded to circle jerk each other in their little sex clubhouse. Seriously, after staring at each other that intensively in complete silence the only logical conclusion is that they all whipped out their man dicks of manliness and began to jerk each other off. It’s not even a gay thing. They’re just celebrating how masculine they are by pleasuring each other. Thank God none of them are women! That would really ruin that circle. That would really make all this man worship gay, am I right? I mean, we don’t see it, but that has to be what happens next.
Anyways, if my thoughts are to be believed on the subject, Rob “THE KAMIKAZE KID” Smets is the Alpha and Omega of this epic man-milking happening off camera. I mean Smets made a living of stopping raging bulls with his shoulder. That was his job, guys.
During his bullfighting career Smets was injured a bunch of times, including suffering a broken neck not once, not twice, but THRICE!! Yes in 1992, 1996, and 2006 he broke his neck. Often a broken neck will kill or paralyze someone. What’s Smets’ main problem from breaking his neck three times? Limited motion in his neck, that’s it. He retired from bullfighting after he broke his neck in 2006. Oh yeah, and Smets has also been gored by a bull’s horn and broken his leg.
“Who are the other big dicks at the table?,” you ask incredulously.
Slayer’s Kerry King, Tattoo Artist Mister Cartoon, NFL player Keyshawn Johnson, Front Tire Changer on the 17 Sprint Cup car Michael Lingerfelt, current trainer and former boxer Freddie Roach, and lastly Pro Surfer Nathan Fletcher.
“I once played my guitar so hard I broke a nail,” said Kerry King, before Smets slapped him across the face with his epic member and yelled that he’d knocked a bull unconscious with his fucking shoulder. When was the last time anyone gave a damn about Slayer? And how is having a giant Sons of Anarchy style beard and playing for moshing teenagers compare to fighting a bull?
In the same vein of lameness is Lingerfelt. HE’S A FRONT TIRE CHANGER. He can quickly repair your car for a sport that doesn’t matter! I’ve only ever had Jager at a club, and I have not met a lot of NASCAR fans up in da club. You’re really barking up the wrong tree for that demographic.
Concerning Mr. Cartoon: Jager, do you really think this American graffiti artist is really that badass or did you just Google “Danny Trejo’s friends” when you couldn’t get Danny Trejo?
Keyshawn Johnson is there because this is AMERICA and you need a football player. He once starred in an A&E show called “Tackling Design”. Yup, he’s an aspiring interior designer. This is the first time I can say that out of a group of men I like the football player the best. Although the pulp-like description for his show makes me laugh, “The day to day drama of Keyshawn Johnson ‘tackling’ a new career path.” In the show he’s a former football player delving into his interior design hobbies, but viewers want to know if his diva attitude will get in the way?
Side note: Did Keyshawn decorate the sex clubhouse? If so, I am not impressed with its vibe. “Look at all the pictures of dead members!” (SeeWhatIDidThere?) Seriously, I bet that place has a musty grandpa smell.
Freddie Roach seems pretty masculine, but he’s never punched a bull out of mid-air. Even I’ve punched a charging man and made him stop, so that’s no accomplishment.
As for pro-surfer Nathan Fletcher, I am confused. I didn’t know if he was the surfer or the man who saved the surfer on a jet ski, because healthcare professionals are manly. Healthcare professionals save the lives of people who are so wealthy and bored that they will take unnecessary risks with their lives to play a sport. Fletcher is that rich dick you know that orders his ridiculously expensive surfboards on Amazon then forces you into a thirty-minute chat about how rad he is.
Fact: Fletcher had trouble in his two-year-old marriage so he ran away to Tahiti to surf. MANLY. When he got back two weeks later, his wife had left him. That okay, brah, you still got all those sweet boards.
Now let’s take a minute to talk about the product. When I have $5 and want to get drunk but also stay awake, I order a jager bomb. It’s sweet and full of energy and it makes me dance all night drunk. Most of my lady friends do as well. Alex won’t drink it because it tastes like Nyquil, which he feels he wouldn’t consume on purpose for anything. It’s from 1935, and was a favorite cough remedy/liver glue of one Herman Goring. Yes, that Herman Goring. They even called it “Goring Schnapps” when it was first introduced.
This may explain the murder mansion vibe of the Jager house the meeting takes place in. In all honesty, the only two sets of people I know who consistently consume your product are women looking to get drunk on schnapps and men suffering from toxic masculinity.
Toxic masculinity is a good term to describe Mistress, the ad agency behind this commercial.
From a 2011 article spotlighting Mistress on Adage:
So how exactly does an agency behave as a mistress?
“The agency’s founding partners all built experience working at agencies that typically pitched and held out for agency-of-record business,” Mr. Jacobsen said. “But Mistress doesn’t just aim for AOR status; rather, the agency is open and willing to ‘sit with anybody.’”
Hahaha that’s so funny! And not at all sexist from an advertising company who routinely does commercials for Hot Wheels and papaya franchises.
And look at the picture of the five founding members! It’s like Tom Haverford from Parks and Recreations adopted quintuplets and told them that they could achieve anything. And they chose to make ads about a barren wasteland with the worst sausagefest VIP room.
Moreover I get confused, honestly, by their portfolio. They’re really cashing in on a lot of hipster themes, but their tag line is “Why wouldn’t you get into bed with Mistress?”
A mistress is a kept woman, guys. I think you’re thinking of a fling. A FLING has no strings attached. A mistress is your girlfriend while you’re married. This whole “we’re small, there’s no strings attached!” thing doesn’t even make any sense.
And I can’t tell if it was Jager’s design briefs that put the whole “we’re tired of being a party girl drink” mandate on this commercial or if it was just Mistress cashing in on stupid gender divisions. Either way, this ad is terrible and you should all feel terrible.